Overcoming Depression: You are not alone

Okay, so first and foremost, I just want to make things clear that I'm writing this post, not because I'm seeking for sympathy but rather I just want to express how I feel and to let other people know with anxiety and depression that you/we are not crazy.

For the past 4 months or so since my birthday, I've been through one hell of an emotional roller-coaster ride. Actually, the reason why I experience relapse is constant but I just want to keep that reason to myself so as not hurt anyone else.

Almost every month I'd feel paranoid at things. Sometimes I'd feel like I'm alone and that I'm tired of taking a lot of shit on my life. But I guess the worst paranoia I had was two weeks ago. That was the most tiring episode of my life to be honest.

I felt like I had two different persona: at home and at work; with my friends and with my family. It was a struggle as the two persona I had, have been polar opposites. I'd cry silently and think of a lot things negatively. Then I guess I've had enough and I totally broke down in tears, hyperventilate and dark clouds of thought surrounded me. I usually send "hugot" messages to the people who I trust with what I'm going through but that night, I decided not to because I felt like I was so damn tired of feeling hurt and empty already. I remembered that there were only two people who I asked for help, my best friend and my brother. I only remembered telling them I'm already tired repeatedly and that I don't freakin care what happens to me or to my future. It wasn't a one night episode, it continued the next day where I didn't want to answer any calls and I was not that enthusiastic in answering chats. I felt so tired and asked myself "why? why do I have to deal with this? why am I suffering?". I received a good news that day but still I wasn't that enthusiastic, I only said in my head "what's the point?". And for some divine intervention I snapped out of my depressed mode and realised that the news I received was something to be celebrated upon. I can't sulk over something which I can't control and also I realised that sulking won't help me with my problems. I realised that the best thing I can do is change the way I react on the stimuli. I am not saying that I won't feel depressed or anxious in the coming months or when the situation strikes again, but that I just want to manage it better.

I still sometimes feel shitty about myself, but then I learned to close my eyes and breath. I realised that I owe those who comforted me a smile. To better myself would take a long time but I'm trying my best to get there.

To those battling their own demons, well I am not the best person to give an advise but all I can say is PRAY and trust that everything is gonna be alright.